All I Ever Wanted
by berrywarbler
Summary: Holding onto an ugly sweatshirt was stupid, but so was holding onto the boy it reminded her of.


When Rachel had bought the sweatshirt, it was an impulse buy. She was shopping for a new skirt at the mall, and it was there-bright yellow with the letters _UCLA _on the front, and without thinking it through she grabbed it and headed for the register. She didn't plan on wearing it, at least not until Jesse was actually at UCLA and she could brag about how her incredibly talented boyfriend went there.

But then there was the whole egg saga, where she wanted nothing more than to bring him to the zoo and throw him in the shark tank. The yellow sweatshirt got pushed towards the back of her closet, hidden by reindeer sweaters and cardigans and she never even gave it a second thought.

The day Jesse came back her junior year, she happened upon the sweatshirt again. Her head was a disaster and she didn't know what to think, what to believe. He was apologizing, something she knew he did very rarely. But he was a good actor, and what if he was lying again? She couldn't deal with that kind of heartbreak again. Wouldn't go through the heartache. So she hid the sweatshirt once more, pushing it aside while she tried to do the same with her feelings.

And when Finn told her he loved her, when Finn tried so hard to win her over, she let him, and in the process she broke her own heart as well as Jesse's. She realized too late that Jesse was being sincere, that she had fucked up by going back to Finn. The damage was done, they were tied now. He had broken her heart the year previous, it was only fair she got a shot in.

But she felt horrible about it. And it took every ounce of strength to go after Jesse, to explain away the stage kiss-surely he could have understood the heat of the moment, the stage and the spotlight and entire theater hanging on your every move. If there was ever anyone to understand the lure of the spotlight, it would be Jesse. But then Finn grabbed her hand, smiling his big goofy smile, and the safety Finn brought with her-even if he broke her heart again, it wouldn't be a lasting hurt, wouldn't be something she carried with her for the rest of her life like she would the wound from Jesse's.

So instead, when they got back to Ohio, she pulled the sweatshirt out, and despite the rising heat of summer she slept in it.

That was months ago, and while she would never tell Finn-things were finally good between the two of them, easy and normal, she found herself sleeping in the sweatshirt that reminded her of another guy, another love more and more often.

* * *

><p>"What on earth is this?" Kurt asked one November afternoon while Rachel was trying to work on their AP English paper. She looked up, seeing what he was holding and turned scarlet, trying to think of an excuse for owning a UCLA sweatshirt.<p>

"I, it's, uh-" she stuttered, and Kurt tisked, still looking at the sweatshirt with a look of revoltion.

"You should really be a better liar Rachel, it's basically just acting. Now, why do you have a UCLA sweatshirt?"

"I'm thinking about going there," she half-lied. It was a tempting thought, even though New York was where she really wanted to be.

"You haven't stopped talking about Juliard since your interview last month, so try again."

"I didn't say it was a new sweatshirt," she snapped, pretending to go back to her homework and hoping he would drop it.

"Well clearly. It looks like you sleep in this thing every night." Rachel flushed even more, trying to keep her mouth shut, but Kurt knew her too well-saw through her attempts at hiding the truth. "Oh Rachel, why?"

"It's comfortable," she lied, slightly proud at how confident she sounded once more. Kurt seemed to ignore this statement.

"But you're with Finn," Kurt moaned, shaking his head as he put the sweatshirt back.

"I know," Rachel said quietly, hating Kurt in the moment for seeing exactly what was happening.

"You're happy with Finn," Kurt said, though it was disguised as a statement she could hear the question in it as well.

"I'm very happy with Finn," she promised.

"Then why would you want to even think about St. Sucks?"

"I don't know," Rachel mumbled, feeling an all too familiar feeling of tears welling up. "It's stupid and wrong, and please, please don't tell Finn. Kurt, I know he's your brother, but please don't." Kurt nodded, sitting down next to Rachel on the bed.

"Now, explain the paper we're supposed to be doing," Kurt demanded, changing the subject, much to Rachel's relief.

"Well, you've read _'A Raisin In The Sun_', right?"

* * *

><p>Kurt kept his promise, but that didn't stop Finn from starting to argue with Rachel as time passed on. She was coming to the conclusion that they didn't work together as a couple, they didn't share the same goals and dreams. The fact that Finn got a full ride to Ohio State and she got accepted early to Julliard only seemed to seal their fate, and over spring break they broke up amicably, parting as friends instead of in a shit storm of drama like usual.<p>

Rachel had stopped wearing the sweatshirt as much after Kurt's discovery, choosing instead to put it in a box in the basement so the temptation wasn't even there. April came in a shower of rain and misery, senior prom coming quicker and quicker. Finn was going with Mercedes of all people, and with Kurt out of town for the weekend-he had an important interview for FiT-Blaine and Rachel had decided to go together as friends. As she got ready, she thought of the previous years prom-the disaster with Jesse and Finn, Kurt's win of Prom Queen. She thought of how much fun they had been having before that, how safe and happy Jesse had made her feel. Blaine was fun, and they would have a blast together- but there was no chance that a romance might blossom as they danced and laughed their way through the night, that there would be a spark as they both reached for a breadstick at dinner.

She let herself wallow in these thoughts when there was a knock on her door, her father announcing that she had a visitor. Rolling her eyes and assuming it was Blaine, early as usual, she said they could enter as she clipped her bangs back, officially ready for the night. "I'm all set to go Blaine," she started as she turned around, the rest of her words stopping in her throat as she saw Jesse standing in her doorway.

"Kurt's interview got postponed, and he wanted to take his own boyfriend to prom," Jesse said as she stood there, silently trying to figure out what was happening. "He asked if I would step in and be your date in Blaine's absence. Mentioned something about a sweatshirt that you liked to wear that made him think of me," he grinned, Rachel blushing slightly at the mention of it. She made a mental note to kill Kurt after Prom.

Still, this was Jesse, and she had to make sure his intentions were pure. "What are you even doing here? In Ohio?"

"The same thing I'm always doing in Ohio. Waiting for you."

"But-" she began, Jesse interrupting her quickly.

"You know, not many guys would come back to a girl who chose someone else over them several times."

"Then why did you?" She asked, nervous for the answer.

"Because I love you," Jesse said simply. "I'd suffer through anything for you. Even another McKinley prom," he smirked, and a smile played at her lips.

"Really?" She questioned quietly, half afraid he'd change his mind in seconds. He moved across the room, taking her face in his hands.

"I'll never stop loving you," he whispered, and she was sure the smile on her face was never going to leave, only swallowed whole as Jesse kissed her simply, a smile equal to her own on his face. "Now, I believe we have a prom to get you to."


End file.
